I Hate My Best Friend’s Boyfriend
God isn’t that the worst? Your best friend is that person you share your life with, and now you’re having to split it with someone who sucks. I’ve been there before. I honestly still hate the prick. But with years of practice, I’ve figured out the best way to deal with this sticky sitch.
The hardest part about your best friend having a shitty boyfriend is seeing her in pain. You’re there holding her hand while she sobs about him yet again. The more emotionally invested you become, the more you want to tell him to get lost. But then, inevitably, they make peace and they’re together smiling and loving on each other the next time you’re all hanging out. It’s hard to ignore the awful things you know he’s done. It’s even harder to talk to your best friend about it.
After hearing about how terrible my friend’s boyfriend was time and time again, I finally grew the balls to tell her that her boyfriend sucks. She didn’t have it at all. She quickly took his side and defended him like he was suddenly Pope Francis. I took the hint and let it go.
It wasn’t long until he did something awful again. She cried and cried. I comforted her and took the opportunity to softly remind her that he was garbage.
While she agreed he was terrible, it wasn’t long before they were “madly in love” again.
I was frustrated and I was tired. All those countless hours of her complaining and crying were doing nothing besides stressing me out. I was emotionally invested, and to me it made sense to remove the negative out of your life. If your boyfriend is a piece of shit, you should want to get rid of him, right?
At that time I didn’t realize the implications of self-esteem or insecurities that impact a person’s reasoning for staying in unhealthy relationships.
Because of that, I had an emotional response. I was over at her house when the two got in a heated argument over the phone. I could hear the things he was saying to her and the tone he was using. It set me off big time. As soon as they hung up, I said everything I wanted to say. I yelled and yelled. The weirdest part is that she didn’t react. She just took it. The next day it was as if nothing ever happened.
And that’s when I realized and learned that I can’t change someone who doesn’t want to or can’t change. Me yelling at her accomplished absolutely nothing except for maybe releasing some built up anger I had towards her. Hating him accomplished absolutely nothing because at the end of the day, he’d still be a part of her life, and that was completely on them.
Here’s what you can do instead:
Give it Distance
While it makes so much sense to have this emotional investment in your friend’s wellbeing, it is ultimately her life. If you’re experiencing the ups and downs of their relationship, you’re way too close. Give the situation some distance by changing the subject when it’s brought up, giving generic responses, or avoid bringing up the topic all together.
If you’re already in too deep like I was, it may be time to be honest. Tell your friend that it hurts you when you hear how she is treated, and although you want the best for her, you can’t be there for her through the ups and downs. By telling her you’ll support her and her decisions but that you don’t want to hear about her relationship, she will hopefully understand that you care about her too much to be involved.
You know that coworker who you absolutely can’t stand but still have to work with? Think of your friend’s boyfriend as that coworker. Do you hate walking into a meeting and seeing that coworker sitting at the table? Do you still greet everyone at the meeting including that coworker? Probably. That’s the same with your friend’s boyfriend. If he’s out with a group, greet him and move on.
Let it Go
Don’t plan on ever watching Frozen, but I’ll use the one thing I know from the movie in this situation. Let this shit go, girl. It’s not your job to teach your friend about relationships, especially if she isn’t being receptive. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Relationships are a learning experience. If your friend has decided to be in this relationship, she needs to learn from this relationship, whether it’s good or bad.