It’s really not you, it’s actually me

You’ve probably wondered by now why I’m sitting here, single, writing a dating blog. Well assholes, I’m single because I genuinely really want to be (tysm).

Maybe this sounds bad, especially reading it now, but the thought of putting in effort in a relationship sounds really, truly god awful, at least for now. What I want and need right now is convenience and simplicity – two things that are surprisingly not the easiest to find. I guess simplicity is complicated?

The point is, I just don’t really care enough for something serious right now, and it’s not a big deal.

The coolest part about writing a dating blog though is that I get the chance to look back on all the dating fails I’ve gone through.

I have a chance to collectively see what went wrong and why it went wrong. A lot of times, as we’ve seen here, my choices haven’t been the best or I just get really unlucky with the options I’m presented with.

But what I haven’t disclosed here is that I’m actually part of the problem too. It would be irresponsible to blame everyone else when in reality I don’t make it easy for the few good choices I do come across.

Why? Because I have a giant wall up, bigger than the one Trump dreams of building around Mexico.

I’m not going to get all therapist on you, but this wall that I have up takes me getting really comfortable with someone before I can trust it enough to let my guard down. Let me tell you, it’s annoying as fuck to feel this way.

The absolute truth is that when I meet someone, I try to get away with trying to be as minimally invested as possible. And honestly, all it would really take is for someone to just call me out on it – for someone to tell me to just man the fuck up (in a non-gender specific way), and I honestly would.

But instead, things are never fully discussed, feelings are sometimes incomplete and the person who cares the least walks away without a scratch.

And because I’m in a place where I don’t really care to put in the effort, I don’t mind seeing something not work out. And there lies the problem. I don’t get called out on my shit, we don’t accurately communicate and whoever walks away with the least amount of pain wins.

Now that I’ve finally acknowledged this, I’m trying to change it. It isn’t cool to be this way.  Maybe it was cool when you’re 18 and still trying to figure out how to wash the X off your hand at a bar, but it’s not cool once you finally become a real adult.

The person with the least amount of feelings doesn’t “win”. In fact, the person who shows the least amount of feelings is actually just a little bitch who is scared of feelings and vulnerabilities, and I can say that with experience.

So where do we go from here? The first step is admitting you have a problem, right?

Cool, I’m doing super well so far.

Well step two is to actually make the change. Although I still don’t want a serious relationship at all right now, I can still work on knocking down my giant wall, and letting people in a teeny tiny bit, at least enough to get out of my comfort zone and see how it’s actually not terrible to let people in little by little.

Most importantly, I want to be less cold and insensitive with some of the men in my life. Being friends with all guys for most of my life conditioned me to talk to guys in a less emotive manner. I’m now seeing that guys, despite what they’ll admit to later, actually do want to be emotional and sensitive. And I can say this because I’m seeing it time and time again.

So with all this being said, I think I have a responsibility to make the changes to be a less shitty person and have a more positive relationship with showing emotions and allowing myself to be vulnerable (even if it’s just a teeny tiny bit).

So even though a vast majority of men show less than admirable qualities, I want to be the first to apologize. I want to ensure that moving forward, I’m doing my part, and hopefully this will inspire you to do yours.

But no, I still don’t want to date you.

 

Love,

The Girl With a Heart on Her Middle Finger

 

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